You Might Be a Redneck If........

[Panic]

I dedicate this thread to all the other Southern Darlins to show everyone that we can poke fun at ourselves a little too :p feel free to post FUNNY (not mean) southern jokes.... i have an arsenal of them myself :eek:

[Panic]

You Might Be a Redneck If........


They recognize your voice at the Long John Silver drive thru

[Grace]

Bubba died in a fire and the coroner needed someone to identify the body >>>>>>>>>>

So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer,were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba. "The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two buttholes." "What? He had two buttholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes...":D

[Grace]

You might be a redneck if...:eek:

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

[CoopeRocks]

Two guys come out of a restraunt and one says, 'dang man has it been raining?' The other says, nope sometimes the road just sweats. Heeeerre's your sign.

[Stapler]

Anyone want to go noodling with me?

[Panic]

lmao yall thats good. .... Stap what noodling mean?

[CoopeRocks]

Anyone want to go noodling with me?

OMG ... i saw a show about noodling. These guys go fishing for these huge fish that live in riverbanks. They stick their bare hands in the muddy waters and the fish takes it in his mouth, then they haul it onto shore. Most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

[Panic]

you might be a redneck IF.............

a biker gang has ever backed down from Yo Momma!

[Panic]

You Might Be a Redeck if .... You have ever shot a Possum with a flare gun

[Nick]

Father and Son
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.

His father said, 'Son, where are you going?'

The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.'

The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.'

But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.

Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.'

The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape.

The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'

The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!'

The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.

The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!'

The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'

[Panic]

lmao thats a good one :D

[Nick]

Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

[Grace]

Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

NO COMMENT:rolleyes:

[Panic]

no comment to Graces No comment :p

[CoopeRocks]

Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"


I, for one nick, think it's hilarious!!!!!

[parcheezy]

I am so confused....I don't think any of you understand my needs as a member....

[Grace]

I am so confused....I don't think any of you understand my needs as a member....

Make a list of your needs and I'll present them to the board ..:D

[mike schramm]

you might be a redneck if.... your highschool is SURROUNDED BY A CORNFIELD
my whole highschool is surrounded 3 ways by a giant cornfield

[Panic]

LOL mike... my High School was surrounded by Cotton fields. We literally ran track around a cotton field.

[ynkefn]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
y a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4 Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard
to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'them in the
house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter

[Peachie]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't."

"The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

[Panic]

ROTFLMFAO. I love that one Peach...... i have to wite it down.

[Christine]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
y a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4 Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard
to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'them in the
house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter

Really Funny Sweetie:D

[Christine]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't."

"The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

I enjoyed this Peach :cool:

[Grace]

You've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.:eek:

Your state's got a new law that says
when a couple get divorced,
they are still legally brother and sister

[Christine]

You've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.:eek:

Your state's got a new law that says
when a couple get divorced,
they are still legally brother and sister

Okay, Gracie you gone to far now:eek: talking about my Family and Home State of Kentucky both at the same time:D

[Peachie]

I had to share this with you guys...

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, "The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess.”

[Christine]

I loved this one PEACHIE! LOL

[Panic]

HA good one. i like it. thats one to remember for sure

[Liz]

I had to share this with you guys...

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, "The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess.”

This was so funny!

[Grace]

I have the funeral director on speed dial . ha ha:DI had to share this with you guys...

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, "The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess.”

[parcheezy]

You think there is nothing wrong with incest, as long as you keep it in the family....:D